The EU is finally free of problems!
Be aware, this is satire!
(21 February 2025) (Rl.) The advantages of the EU are obvious. For months, we have only heard good news; there are hardly any problems left, except that the economy is not yet running smoothly – but let’s be honest, where is it running smoothly? So, it’s easy to understand why some Swiss federal councillors get clammy hands when shaking hands with EU Commission President Ursula von der Leyen (UvdL).
It is impressive how effortlessly she can allocate a few billion euros for international contracts, with such aplomb. No unnecessary back-and-forth with commissions, referendums, councils, authorities, specialist departments or auditors. Simply ordered on the mobile phone: Ok, we'll take a few million of that. – And the goods arrive in no time. Yes, that’s what we like. So, it may well happen that mobile phone data gets lost occasionally.
The advantages are obvious: quick and consistent action is required. That was already UvdL’s style when she was still German defence minister.
UvdL ensures a clear line: sanctions against Russia, without any ifs and buts; billion-dollar contracts for the arms industry in the USA and Europe; fracking gas and oil from the USA; agriculture consistently industrialised and ecologised. And the latest, greatest project: the same information for everyone with the Digital Services Act, or DSA for short. Now each of the 450 million EU citizens no longer has to decide which information is useful and which is not. Brussels takes care of that. How practical: only quality-checked messages for everyone, no “uncertainty” among the population, no more superfluous discussions.
In UvdL’s term of office, even the eternal scandals and corruption cases of the EU are no longer an issue. They are looking ahead and no longer struggling with problems like corrupt EU parliamentarians, cronyism, mafia connections... none of this is on the news anymore.
Instead, UvdL takes a consistent line against deviants: the Hungarian and Slovak governments or the election winner in Romania. Why don’t they just join in, like everyone else, for example with the new gender policy?
And where would that leave us, conducting peace negotiations with Putin? Peace talks? She turns off the money supply for any “Putin-Versteher” or has elections cancelled. Shoulder to shoulder with NATO.
Who can’t forgive our federal councillors, the cadres, high-ranking military or captains of industry for their behaviour when everything could be so uncomplicated and simple with the EU. No provincial thinking, just the big picture. The eternal referendums, the eternal negotiations. It could be so harmonious, you could just go along with it and enjoy the endless advantages of the EU: uniform rules for everyone, no extra rules with the EU and a clear court system for everyone. The judges at the ECJ decide in the end and that’s it! It’s so simple. It doesn’t matter whether the judge comes from Bulgaria or Malta. The ruling applies equally to all 450 million EU citizens.
Which Federal Councillor wouldn’t want UvdL’s mobile phone? And who cares if you can no longer vote on tax rates, or if cookies are made of 8% insect ingredients? You don’t need to have a say in everything, do you?